So my dating life has been bleak for a number of years now, but that is okay.
I have had many other distractions going on. I have been on a number of dates – mostly first dates – and it has occurred to me, I may be doing things a little wrong.
As I drove away from yet another fruitless encounter recently, this long list of things women like me could be doing slightly wrong occurred to me, personally. I found it very funny.
No wonder I was making them run! I was breaking all the rules. So here you go, ways to NOT attract a man:
Cut your hair really short. This can a) confuse him into thinking you bat for the other team; or b) cause him to race you to the barber to get the latest trendy short hair trim. Either way, it somehow emasculates (I may use this word a few times) your suitor.
Let your hair go grey. Fuck it. Go with the a la naturale look. All that time, money and chemical use you save on your head surely could be spent doing way more fun things, right? He may not agree, but honestly, 90% of the population would all have a grey mop of hair if hair dyes were never invented.
Talk about your love of board games. Board games have made a revival in a solo computer driven world, and they are just SO MUCH FUN! It really brings out your competitive spirit, too. I think guys especially struggle when you beat them at games. Any game. Aim to beat them at all the games, and you may just have them running – away from you.
‘Hey do you like rollerskating?’ Never got a guy in the sack? Well, it hasn’t worked for me so far. Rollerskating is one of the most fun activities on the planet. But for some reason it’s just not bringing my sexy back.
Mind you, some of the saucy young roller-skaters on youtube are doing a mighty fine job in improving the image of skating. You go girls. I think you rock! And I love rollerskating. Just maybe don’t mention it on a first date. (Or do if you don’t like him.) You can always sleep next to your purple suede roller-skates. Yes, I own a pair, and yes, they are awesome.
Don’t wear make-up. Wear none or as little as possible. Again the natural look is always best. Who can be bothered putting all that bloody cake on your face every day? It must be quite a shock for your manly man to see you for who you really are, a bare faced beauty.
Talk about your extensive travel experience. Just go on and on and on and on about all the amazing trips to Europe, Canada, Alaska blah blah blah and travels and experiences you have had. Most guys really love that (Not).
Talk about all the guys you have slept with. Nothing like a woman who can out-do a man in conquests: that, my friend, is a modern day woman. Will he recoil as you reel off the list of past admirers? Generally, yes.
Do not shave your legs. To heck with it, don’t shave anything. Go full hairy babooshka woman.
Express your love for cats. Cats, cats, cats, if we don’t have one, we want one. Nothing like owning a few hairy felines to scare off any potential hairy chester. Why don’t men like cats? I’ve never understood that one.
So there you have it. The list could have gone on and on, I’ve years of singledom experience to draw on. Overall it is a fair list of excuses and reasons to explain why the men are not lining up at the front door. And, if by any chance none of these things sounds off-putting to you, and you happen to be a single hot male, please do get in touch.