Dear Agony Aunt,
At a local bar, I spotted a friend’s husband out with another woman. From their gestures, they were clearly intimate.No don’t tell me I was imagining it, his hand was running repeatedly up and down her buttocks and at one stage, they had a small tongue kiss. Yes, I was staring, but it was a public place and I needed proof. Now that I’m satisfied they’re having an affair, I don’t know what to do. When is it OK to tell a friend that her partner is cheating, and when should you keep this awful info to yourself? My inclination is to tell her but everyone I’ve asked so far has said to butt out.
Confused (no initials thanks!)
What an impossible situation! The devastation and grief in the wake of an extra-marital affair exposed makes me sometimes think that “ignorance is bliss, ’tis folly to be wise”. In a no-win situation like this, the question is not what is the “right thing” to do. Rather it should be what is “good” for your friend? What you saw may well be an all-out affair being conducted in full public view. However, it could also be that:
1) Your friend is aware of her husband’s shenanigans but chooses to turn a blind eye. In this case, she has weighed the pros and cons of the union and concluded that she is better-off where she is. I know a woman well known for her exquisite jewellery collection. Every time her extremely well-off husband has a new mistress, he assuages his guilt by lavishing her with a magnificent bauble. She never let on that she knew. She was quite happy with the arrangement as “sex is so messy, darh-ling”.
2) The erstwhile husband may not believe he has been unfaithful if there had been no exchange of seminal fluid.
3) Your friend and her husband are office-holders to the Perth chapter of the Australian Open Relationships Club. While he was playing tongue hockey in the pub, she was holding downward dog in the nude with her hunky 25 year old yoga instructor.
In your situation, I would probably let your friend’s husband know that you saw him. At the very least, it would make him take stock of his behaviour. Finally, it sounds like you (unwisely) have already told half the town what you saw. Loose lips sink ships…
Dear Agony Aunt,
My boyfriend of three months has pungently bad breath. I want to tell him but I know his feelings will be hurt. Other than that, he’s a fine catch, and most accomplished in the bedroom, so long as I forget about his rancid halitosis. (Am I being superficial or would you too, be repulsed?) I met his family recently for the first time, and was horrified to note that his dad smelt a bit off, too, when he leant forward to peck me. Perhaps my love inherited this condition? It’s awful.
Would you want your boyfriend to tell you if you had a huge snot hanging off your nose? Your boyfriend may have no inkling that he has bad breath. He may think that he has few friends because people don’t enjoy his company. Do tell him about his halitosis but do it with gentleness and kindness, re-assuring him of his overall off-the-scale hotness. At the same time, offer some possible solutions to the problem. He may need to start flossing. Book an appointment with a dentist. If all else fails, go to Chinatown and get a Chinese tongue scraper. Looks like a medieval instrument of torture but my Asian friends swear it works!
Dear Agony Aunt,
My partner’s more in love with his golf clubs than he is with me. He’s a laugh a minute around his mates, but with me, he’s dull. He just buries his head in the sports pages and mumbles things like, “I must buy some new Top Flites.” I don’t even know what that means, but it’s certainly not a flight to Paris with me. I don’t know whether to take up golf, or summon the guts to leave him. The problem is, I’m not confident that the next bloke who comes along wouldn’t be just the same, or worse. Is it wrong to expect more of a man, Agony Aunt?
PS what is a Top Flite?
MS, Mt Claremont
Your partner may be just another limited male with very low emotional intelligence and simple needs in a relationship. He has not evolved much beyond his cave-dwelling ancestors and rarely stirs himself unless he is hungry, horny or raring to kick a coconut around with his hairy friends. How many times have I heard “but everything was fine! I do not understand why she left. I thought we had a happy marriage!”. Many women believe their love and devotion can inspire a change in their menfolk. The harsh reality is, if you buy a frog, it stays a frog no matter how many times you kiss it. You have 4 options, MS.
1) stay in the relationship, do nothing and be a victim
2) leave him and chance your luck on RSVP.com (not necessarily in that order!)
3) negotiate time away from the golf course to visit a reputable marriage counsellor together
4) stay in the relationship and take positive steps to improve your sense of happiness and well-being. Cultivate meaning and life outside the marriage. Connect with a bunch of great gals. Go to a health spa in Bali. Learn how to paint. If you fancy golf, do it! The key is, go out and get a life of your own. And in doing so, do not make yourself as readily available to your partner and his needs. If his lucky golf shirt does not get ironed and he doesn’t get his Tuesday luncheon of home-made kidney pie on the table, that is just too bad because that’s when you have your pole-dancing class. It may be just the wake-up call your partner needs to start thinking about what YOU need.
PS. Needing to buy some Top Flites just means that he is short a couple of balls.
Dear Agony Aunt,
I’m confused. The other night I got together for drinks with the girls. Then three of them left and I found myself alone with the last woman, polishing off a final glass of wine. Then, as we said our goodbyes, she suddenly lunged at me and kissed me on the lips, leaving me standing there, feeling both repulsed and excited. Was this a case of being slightly tipsy or something deeper and more intimate? I lie awake at night, quite excited, re-living what she did. I feel a twinge in my loins just writing this. I’m also feeling surges of guilt. I can hardly confide in my 78-year-husband about this. I’m 53. Could I be a leso?
You are not a lesbian, merely under the influence of “pub lust”. Just means you are alive and your girl-bits are all in perfect working order. However, there is a 25 year gap between you and your husband. It may be that subconsciously you are preparing yourself for the time when he passes on. As women tend to out-live men and men tend to pursue much younger women, plenty of older women have found loving companionship with other women. Meanwhile, embrace your sexy self and have some fun with your husband. Be inventive but also gentle. You don’t want to give him a heart attack.